So I've been pondering writing this note/blog entry and finally decided that I should share our story, especially after readying my cousin's blog earlier today. Most of you all know that we are expecting and excited about our little one that is due in August...I still have days where I'm in shock more than anything. But our road wasn't an easy one. This is hard for me to remember some days now that I'm on the other side and 17 weeks along.
Back in the fall of 2011, Ben and I started looking into fertility treatments after things were not happening naturally for us. While in college, I had been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom. Meaning that my ovaries and my body didn't function properly and that having children may be difficult for me. Not that it would be impossible, just difficult. During those days I didn't realize what the would mean for me.
I made an appointment with one Dr here in Indy to start the ball rolling. After talking with him briefly about our situation, he told me I just needed to go home and pray about it. While I thought that was great that he was encouraging me to do this, I had reached that wall of "that's just not working for me" feeling. I also had days where I was constantly reminded that even if nothing was happening, that just meant that God was still working on me and that His timing was best...even if I was ready for something to happen NOW! So we decided to meet with a Dr here in Indy that is an OBGYN but also does the beginning stages of fertility treatments.
I went into that first appointment with a lot of hopes but also felt like I was "broken" and that nothing was going to help our situation. But thankfully Dr. Sarah was very hopeful and had us do a few tests and then had me start on some medications that would hopefully get us a "little peanut" as she put it. Those next three months were very hard for me...and I'm sure for Ben having to deal with me. I was thinking something would have happened within the first month and we'd be good to go...it didn't. But I kept telling myself that was ok, that this was going to happen for us when God wanted it to. That only works so many times until you just break down. I remember crying myself to sleep one night and just praying. I didn't understand why it seemed so easy for some people to get pregnant whenever they wanted and it was so hard for us. But after that night I felt a peace about the situation, that even if it was going to take a while that this was ok because God wasn't done teaching me things about myself, before I'd be ready to be a mommy.
Little did I know that in on Thanksgiving day, I'd find out that we were expecting. I remember doing a double take when looking at the pregnancy test and shaking a little because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. After months and years of it saying "not pregnant" it said it! We were expecting! All I could think of was wow...God you're amazing. Just when I was ready to give up and say screw it, I'm done trying, He reminded me that it was worth it to keep going through the hard times. We found out on Thanksgiving, had our first ultrasound on my birthday and then told our parents over the holidays. It couldn't have been a better end to 2011.
Why do I write this. Not to brag about our situation but to share it with you all. I have so many friends that are currently going through this very situation themselves, you know who you are. And my heart breaks for them each month that positive test isn't a positive. I also feel like the journey of infertility isn't shared or talked about openly like it could be. I feel that it would be easier for so many women if they felt they could talk about this struggle openly and not have to hide this huge journey in their lives. For some it may only be a few months of trying and for others it may take years.
Now being on the "other" side, I just want to encourage those of you who may be dealing with this issue to keep on keeping on. And know that I feel your pain. The pain where you wake up each day and wondering why can't it be me? When will it be our turn? The wait is worth while! And just look for the lessons each day that God may be teaching you to make you an even better person in the mean time. And know that if you ever need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on I'm here! I totally get it! I'll leave you with this song that has spoke to me in so many ways...I hope it speaks to you as well.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
